Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
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Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us