I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
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Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
time machine? you mean a clock?
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
[montage of me giving-up]
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.