What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
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*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
what are they serving at kfc then???
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence