After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
You Might Also Like
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.