grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
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H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Best spot.. 😅
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
So true for me
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.