on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
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I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart