Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
You Might Also Like
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No