any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
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Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.