When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
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Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Best spot.. 😅
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
me and who
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.