The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
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women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Huge, if true.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.