If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
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Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]