therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
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If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I get distracted pretty eas
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat