What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
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Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Twitter is an abusement park.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one