People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
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why he move like a hotel transylvania character
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.