[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
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Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.