That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
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Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
your honor my client chooses dare
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.