Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
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“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames