I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
You Might Also Like
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
This made me chuckle.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.