It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
You Might Also Like
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50