My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
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Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?