“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
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I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products