I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
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The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with