Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
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Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
couldn’t resist
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.