I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
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I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
man i love columbo
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.