Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
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I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby