good for her
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Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
This is why I hate group projects
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim