[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
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Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Peter Parker Peter Driver
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
this has to be peak English
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.