Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
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9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice