Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
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What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
People buying plungers never look happy.