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Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)