[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
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You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Me in tagged photos
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.