Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
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What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too