i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
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[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
seems like a niche market
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds