[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
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Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend