Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
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has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out