Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
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[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.