Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
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If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.