Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
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Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
How do you milk an almond?
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.