never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
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WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
So true for me
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
This week’s mood.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.