Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
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Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
can you read it!!??
maan!
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.