Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
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When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?