He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
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putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.