who called it a toilet and not an IP address
You Might Also Like
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.