If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
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As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Who called it baking and not making love
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Running from your problems is cardio .
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face