Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
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if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.