Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
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A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak