2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
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Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Weirdly Wednesday.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Wake me when AI does housework
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*