It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
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My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too