Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
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Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids