Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
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I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I’m crying im so happy for them
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.